A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. 

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" 

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." 

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" 

The brother replied, "Denephew." 
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The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. 

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
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A woman complained to her Doctor of feeling down. Rather than give her pills he told her to watch and copy what the Family cat did. Relax and stretch etc.

A few weeks later the Doctor saw the husband and asked how the wife was getting on. 

"Oh", said the husband, "She's in hospital with a broken leg." 

"Gosh", said the Doctor, "How did that happen". 

"Well", said the husband, "You told my wife to do as the cat did". 

"Yes", said the Doctor. 

"Well the other night my wife had followed the cat along the back garden wall and fell off". 
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Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." 

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years." 
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Three guys were standing around talking about dying when one asked, "What would you like people to say about you as they come to pay their last respects?" 

The second man said, "I hope they say I was a respected doctor in my field, a good family man, and had lots of friends." 

The third man said, "I hope they say I was a well spoken attorney, helped my fellow man, good citizen, and played a mean round of golf." The first man said, 

"That's probably what will be said of the two of you." My hope is that when they look down in my coffin they say, "Look...he's moving"! 
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A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem." 

The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" 

"I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!" 
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." 

Thanks to Michael for that duck joke.. 
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I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. 

The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bucking out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. 

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell headfirst to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. 

Just as I was losing consciousness, and beginning to give up hope, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes!

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Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) 

One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. 

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" 

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?" 
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A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" 

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time." 

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" 

"We use it for sex." 

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" 

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
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The census taker was greeted at the door by six year old Susie. She told him that her daddy was a doctor but he wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. 

"Goodness, that's a very big word for such a little girl," the census taker said. "Do you know what it means?" 

"Uh-huh," Susie replied. "Two thousand bucks and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
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A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman. 

They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs". 

So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside." 

"But this is my guide dog," says the man. 

"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter. 

"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered." 

"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man. 

"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man. 

"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter. 

The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

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Kneeling in the confessional, the girl said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." 

"What is it, child?" the priest asked. 

"I have committed the sin of vanity, Father," she replied. "Numerous times a day, I gaze upon myself in the mirror and tell myself how gorgeous I am." 

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "I have good news for you, my child. That isn't a sin...it's merely a mistake." 
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A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. 

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. 

Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "what are you doing?" 

The child answered, "smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."